Meditation Journal 11/4/2008

 

Over the past several days, my meditation exercises have been pretty typical.  The exercises consist of the same routine and obstacles to some degree or another.  I am learning that what I eat plays a major role in my meditation. I ate quite a bit of sugar yesterday, and it made my practice seem speedy.  It also made me a little jumpy.   I know that I should not eat before a meditation exercise. 

Self Examination:

I am grateful for my meditation exercises.  It allows me the opportunity to learn to live in the present (slow down).  My wife and I had a conversation on Saturday. She told me that I am a very controlling person.  I denied it of course because I felt that I was not controlling, but more of a facilitator.  I was merely trying to lead her or (anyone for that matter) over to my point of view. (That’s funny!  Isn't that controlling defined?)  I never looked at myself as controlling, but as I began to examine myself I realized I am very controlling!  In my past, I always had to control the situation.  If the situation was not controlled by me, I would not want to participate or I would make my mark within the situation.   Now that I think of it, even when I was dating or I saw a girl I wanted I would devise a plan to get the woman I wanted.  I don't fly because I am not the pilot!

I am saying all of this because I am faced with the reality that before I can move forward, I must work to overcome my fear of losing control.  Fear is the issue.  It is being fueled by my ego, insecurity, and avoidance.  So in order to remove the fear, I must identify the traits, factors and situations that prompt this need to always be in control. 

I must replace the negative traits with trust and understanding.  I must let go of the ego and follow when necessary.  Mindfulness will help facilitate the change and help me get rid of FEAR